Must love carbs; dating in diet culture
Even if you're not dating, once you start breaking free from the grasp of diet culture, you begin to notice it anywhere and everywhere.
Dating is weird and hard and is becoming more of a chore nowadays. Anyone who is single knows that it feels like a battlefield to find the perfect match. Trust me, I know it’s rough out there and know that there are not plenty of fish in the sea as we’re told. Part of it is that social expectations and the culture of dating are changing, but I notice that the more I learn and grow, the more my own “criteria” and “standards” have changed. I enjoy food, and I enjoy being active. However, I also know that these two do not cancel out the other. In other words, food doesn’t cancel out the exercise you did and vice versa. It also took me a long time to unlearn this, and it helps that I am a dietitian who constantly talks about this, so I am actively learning and unlearning. I am also someone who dates men, and I can’t help but notice how deeply enthralled in diet culture many of them are. Comments about food being restricted or working out multiple times a day once would not have gotten me to even bat an eyelash (mostly because I, too, was under consuming and overexercising), but now I know I can be dangerous terrority. And I don't say this lightly.
Diet culture [noun]: a system that profits off of unrealistic Eurocentric, thin, and unhealthy ideals, and expectations; an industry worth over $70 billion; an ideology that calls itself a lifestyle, a change, a cleanse, a detox in order to disguise that it is really a scam; a philosophy that takes a negative mental toll on its users and leaves chaos in its wake.
Eating disorders and even disordered eating are not represented adequately in the media. We tend to think only of emaciated, white, cis-gendered women; however, there are other groups and demographics that are grossly underrepresented. I will never forget when I was speaking for an eating disorder group, and one of the other presenters, who was an ex-professional male athlete, said that the number we have of men is there but it is probably larger because many are in denial, and these dangerous unhealthy habits are normalized. Cutting out major food groups, micromanaging food intake, and over-exercising are the traits that I pick up on right away if someone is telling me about their lifestyle. Many times, I hear of going to the gym multiple times a day said nonchalantly because it’s seen as discipline and taking care of oneself.
In the United States, eating disorders will affect 6.6 million males at some point in their lives. And if this seems like a large number, it’s because it is, but because of cultural and gender bias, they are much less likely to be assessed or diagnosed for an eating disorder and even less likely to seek treatment. Many studies available are geared toward women, and this also involves assessment tests with specific language used. There are also many misconceptions about disordered eating in men, which delay men in recognizing their behaviors as possible symptoms of an eating disorder and stop many from seeking help once they do recognize their eating concerns. This isn’t surprising when we look at the media and how we view what a specific person is “supposed to look like.”
It’s estimated that between 30% and 40% of men are anxious about their weight and that up to 85% are dissatisfied with their muscularity. Many men desire a lean and muscular physique – which is often seen as synonymous with masculinity. Channing Tatum spoke about what it took to get his Magic Mike physique on The Kelly Clarkson Show. “It's hard to look like that. Even if you do work out, to be in that kind of shape is not natural. That's not even healthy. You have to starve yourself. I don’t think when you’re that lean, it’s actually healthy.” The more we start to normalize having these conversations and letting people be vulnerable and opening up on harmful and unhealthy tactics, the more we can decrease the stigma surrounding this topic and in a way, help others.
Let’s call him gym bro. I remember our first date was at a bar. This is nothing spectacular, but I specifically remember him ordering a beer even though he was watching his “carbs.” Gym bro loved Crossfit, and I mean loved because he was not only an aspiring Crossfit athlete but also wanted to produce a documentary on one of the games. I am all for hobbies, and this wouldn’t have been anything out of the ordinary, but the constant micromanaging food talk mixed into the conversation made my ears perk up. He kept a food log of his “macros” and limited all carbs from his meals. I said nothing because it’s not my place to give unsolicited advice, but I found it interesting, as I always do, that working with a nutritionist or, better yet, a dietitian was never mentioned. These were all things he learned from the internet. Not surprised. “I don’t have a ton of free time because I am either at work or at the gym. I go in the morning and at night.” I sat there thinking wow, that sucks. I remember being enthralled and hyper fixated on micromanaging my physique to the point where my only hobbies were writing my food intake in a journal and exercising multiple times a day also. There is nothing wrong with being active, but at what point do we recognize it’s unhealthy to cut off all social interactions in order to micro-manage yourself?
I want to say this was our last date, but no, it wasn’t. Like I said, dating is rough, and sometimes you want to “overlook” red flags. What can I say? It’s a learning curve. Anyway, it took longer than it should have for me to realize that the “I don’t have a ton of free time…” wasn’t just something said but a bit of a warning for me on what this not-a-relationship-yet situation was going to look at. All texts were in between gym sessions. Fun times. The deal breaker was going over to his place for dinner because he was going to cook. If you’re thinking that the food had zero taste because of the micromanaging of food and food groups, you are correct. I watched that man cook chicken with just pepper and a sprinkle of garlic, and I mean sprinkle, mostly because I insisted on something other than pepper. Stir-fried vegetables, a side salad, and no rice or potatoes because, you know, “carbs.” Why the lack of seasoning, you ask? “Well, if it tastes too good, we would eat too much of it.” He said this with a straight face. Who the hell was “we” here? Needless to say, it was the worst meal of my life, and the deciding factor of that being our last date. I refuse to subject my tastebuds to something bland because someone else is in the depths of hell.
I don’t have the nondiet talk boundary with just my dates; this goes for anyone. Friends, acquaintances, coworkers, I make it clear that I don’t find the water cooler talk of dieting interesting or wanted. I say that I am recovered from my own bouts of disordered eating, but I still choose not to engage with it. Please note that this is different than me educating the public on social media. It took me a while to rediscover my love of food and how it is a form of connection, and I want to be around others who feel the same. There is so much to be said from someone who knows that food supplies us with nutrients but also a way of connecting. I remember going out with a man shortly after gym bro, who ordered steak and potatoes and had a piece of bread from the basket. The feeling was great, and I remember being relieved at the sight of this.
Being a dietitian means people are always going to ask what your opinions are on food. It comes with the terrority even though most of the time I want to enjoy what I’m eating myself, and I am eating the same exact thing they are. I think we spend a good portion of the time convincing people that we’re not the food police, not looking at what they’re eating, and, more importantly, not judging anyone for their choices. So when people choose to tell me the latest diet that they’re partaking in, I’m not judging them for it because diet culture sucks, and it wraps its claws around anyone it can. Many of us are enthralled in diet culture without even realizing it because it's everywhere. So no, I am not judging anyone. I really am not. What I am doing, however, is setting up boundaries. I choose to make my views crystal clear because it’s important for my mental health. This is why “Must love carbs” will always be in my dating profile.
“Why the lack of seasoning, you ask? “Well, if it tastes too good, we would eat too much of it.””
This makes me so sad.
Amazing article! Thank you so much for sharing this