Relationship status: It's complicated

What's your relationship status in regards to food? Would it be neutral or is it complicated? For some of us, it's the latter. So how can we rebuild our relationship and improve it?

Before beginning this newsletter, I need to give the disclaimer that this is not meant to provide medical advice for personal illnesses or ailments. This is for educational purposes only. This also does not include all factors for specific concerns, as this was meant to be a general resource.

And… if you are looking for a deeper dive into this topic, please note that I wrote a whole book on the topic and much more, and it’s titled “Live Nourished: Make Peace with Food, Banish Body Shame, and Reclaim Joy.” It’s out now and available wherever books are sold and on audio. Whew! Now, onto today’s read…

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Food neutrality is the term that often gets equated with not caring about health or promoting unhealthy eating. However, when you see how rampant disordered eating is in society, you realize that neutrality should indeed be the goal when discussing food. Food neutrality is an approach that aims to remove morality from how we discuss and think about food. And yes, this means it is indeed healthy because research has found that using a food-neutral approach leads to better physical and emotional health. Having a neutral view of food can lead to significant health improvements, including mental and physical health and emotional and social well-being.

“You can’t have a relationship with food.” This was a lovely comment that was left under one of my posts on social media once. I don’t remember the specific post, but I do know that whenever I discuss food neutrality, I receive these types of comments quite frequently. Yes, I know they are trolls, or my favorite description of these types of people, which are “rage baiters,” but this made me realize that some people truly don’t understand the importance of having a healthy relationship with food or realize when they don’t.

Relationship (noun) - the way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

Well for starters I want to point out that how we eat is going to be individual but there are some general factors that we can consider. Here’s the thing - our bodies need food for survival. All bodies do, and there aren’t exceptions to this. However, we all have different bodies, so the type of food and the amount of food needed is going to be different. Throw in the fact that food is also meant to be cultural as a tie to our heritage. Food is also meant to be social and a form of connection, which is also part of having healthy relationships with others, as humans are inherently social, and food is often at the center of social activities and celebrations. This isn’t wrong or unusual, but we are made to believe that it’s wrong to center food because we are programmed by society to strive to eat less and that thinking about food or liking hyper-palatable foods is wrong.

I can understand how confusing all of this might be because we are told various solutions on how to eat or what not to eat. We are told what times work best and what times to avoid. All of these solutions are given to us with no regard for individual needs. The lines of health and discipline are blurred due to the fact that restriction is often rewarded and renamed “willpower.” So the question becomes, what does an unhealthy relationship with food actually look like? It varies, but here is a list of some actions to look out for and make note of if you find these recognizable in yourself:

• Guilty feelings after eating

• Restricting foods that are on a “bad list” and not for allergies or medical reasons

• Unnecessary food rules

• Thinking you have to earn your food through exercise

• Ignoring physical hunger cues

• Participating in diet cycling

• Feeling anxious or avoiding social settings altogether due to the food choices

• Going through a “restrict” and then “food binge” cycle

The common denominator amongst this list is that these actions or feelings stem from having a nonneutral approach to food. As I mentioned above, food neutrality means not equating our food choices with morality. Have you ever noticed that whenever "bad" foods are brought into the discussion, something along the lines of "I'm so bad today for eating this" or "I am the worst because I have no self-control" quickly follows? We are equating our worth with food and what we ate or didn't eat. So, if we constantly associate eating certain foods as being “bad” and therefore feeling like “bad people” when we consume, how does this affect our relationship to food overall? If we are constantly thinking in terms of unnecessary restriction and not thinking of all the foods that bring us joy, how does this affect our relationship? These are, of course, rhetorical questions because many of us know the answer isn’t great. It sounds complicated because, honestly, it is due to many external factors, and there is no magical cure that will make us feel neutral toward food overnight. HOWEVER, there are some steps we can take on our journey toward neutrality, and reframing our thoughts is a big one.

Reframing our thoughts

Reframing our thoughts means shifting the narrative entirely and recognizing that not every food is meant to provide us with an abundance of nutrition, and eating those foods doesn’t make us “bad” people. It also means all foods will provide us with some sort of benefit. The disclaimer here is that it takes time to reframe how we think, but my recommendation is to try to replace the words “good food” with “more nourishing food” or “more nutrient-dense food.” Try to replace the words “bad foods” with “fun foods.” It might seem childish at first, but it helps.

Let’s look at some examples:

INSTEAD OF “I was so bad for giving in and eating that cheeseburger. Why can't I be good?”

REFRAME WITH “I've been wanting a cheeseburger for days now. That doesn't make me a bad person. The salad I kept eating instead wasn't the same. It's okay.”

INSTEAD OF “That meal was awful. That was such a waste of calories! I will never order again.”

REPLACE WITH “That meal was awful. That was such a waste for my taste buds and money! I will never order again. Calories are units of energy and not something scary to be avoided.”

INSTEAD OF sinful, junk, guilty, garbage, treat, cheat, bad vs good, forbidden, problem

REPLACE WITH (texture and taste descriptions) savory, sweet, salty, rich, buttery, bitter, tart, spicy, bland, smooth, creamy, crunchy, flaky, delicious, unseasoned

INSTEAD OF “This ice cream is so bad for me!”

REPLACE WITH “I just want something sweet and creamy to end the day with.”

INSTEAD OF “This salad is so clean, and I’m being so good for ordering it.”

REPLACE WITH “I wanted something nourishing and also a bit crunchy. I need something refreshing to eat on this warm day.”

Let’s recap here: Broccoli is NOT the same thing as a donut. We all know this, and saying that broccoli and donuts are the same in terms of attributes is not what food neutrality means. The neutrality aspect recognizes that broccoli and donuts are very different and have different benefits.

Broccoli provides vitamin C, vitamin K, fiber, and many more vitamins and minerals. We can recognize this. We can acknowledge how this particular food can help our body and nourish it. We can recognize this is just food and not a personal mark of our value when we eat it. Donuts can provide joy, comfort, traditions, and social connections, not to mention a quick dose of sugar that could be beneficial for say, athletes who need that burst of energy. Did you make donuts with a grandparent? Do you look forward to fall because of apple cider donuts? Do you have meet-ups with friends for brunch or dinner? These connections are also equally important. Many of us have fond memories tied to our family (grandma’s cookies or dad’s grilling.) These connections are also memories that can nourish our souls.

Putting this into practice

I am a nondiet dietitian, so you’re not going to find a specific diet that I promote, however, I will always discuss food neutrality. I think it would be so incredibly helpful to have an all-foods-fit approach because we are letting our bodies and minds know that no foods are off limits, and there won’t be a need for a “forbidden fruit” or “last supper” effect stage. Not every food is meant to provide an abundance of nutrients, and all foods provide some form of a benefit.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to find a way to eat that works for you. Eating is individual, and what works for you might not work for others. However, how you eat should still bring you a level of joy and nourishment. This is partly what it means to have a healthy relationship with food. I personally believe joy is a nutrient (nutrient J), so there doesn’t have to be a separation between the two. I will never make someone feel guilty about their choices, but I will say that if you are not on a diet, you don’t have to cheat on one. The only foods you should avoid are the ones you are allergic to, the ones that you need to tailor to medically, the ones you don’t like, and the ones that are unseasoned.

Your relationship with food will always be personal and unique. Like all relationships, they require you to revisit with different tools and ideas in order to keep it healthy. At first, it may seem impossible to mend a bad relationship with food because it doesn’t happen magically, but it’s possible to get to a state in which food fuels your overall well-being instead of what controls you. Remember, food isn’t inherently good or bad, which is why talking about it in a neutral way is so important to normalize.

A healthy relationship with food means having an all-foods-fit mentality and welcoming all foods with no unnecessary restrictions, seeing the value in food beyond calories, and remembering that your value as a human isn’t dictated by the food you eat.

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Like what you just read? Another reminder that I have a book called “Live Nourished: Make Peace with Food, Banish Body Shame, and Reclaim Joy.”