You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch

I came for the delicious food not the unsolicited comments.

This is what I picture when certain people make unsolicited comments.

We are now in the midst of the holiday season which means many different things. Many people are buying gifts for loved ones, decorating their homes with various trinkets, and also gearing up to spend time with family and loved ones. There are usually gatherings that involve food, which is, of course, something to look forward to because it means many festive dishes that are not in the normal food rotation are going to be served. However, these gatherings can also be daunting for many people due to the unwelcome and unsolicited comments.

We’ve all been there at some point or another. We are so excited about the garlic mashed potatoes on our plate, and when we are about to lift the fork to our mouths, we hear, “Should you be eating that?” Or maybe it’s this version: “Wow, you got enough potatoes on your plate?” And we can’t forget the body check comments of “those potatoes aren’t doing you any favors.” Sure, you are a grown adult who makes grown adult decisions and pays a bunch of grown adult bills, but somehow, we still have family members who feel the need to offer advice. Advice that we didn’t ask for. What makes it truly interesting is that no one, and I mean no one enjoys being at the receiving end of these remarks. I mean why would you enjoy it? It’s rude and the point of spending time with loved ones is to relax and feel joy, so when the opposite feelings are being felt, it’s a letdown. These gatherings can cause a certain amount of stress because, for some, we already have an idea of who will say what comment.

This might be an unpopular opinion but anyone who chooses to make unsolicited comments about someone's food or body or appearance, speaks more to their own unresolved issues than the person they're making comments toward. Unresolved issues can be anything from disordered eating habits to a fear of rejection because our society uplifts certain bodies and rejects others. And I'm aware that some people on the interwebs just want to troll, but it takes a certain type of person to wake up and choose violence in the form of words and or even actions towards someone who is simply existing. We use the word troll for the often faceless and nameless profiles we see on social media, but in actuality, trolls can still be people we know in real life.

I’ll say this, no one who has a healthy relationship with food and is well nourished, not just with nutrients but with joy and comfort, is hyper-focused on what others are eating. No one who has a healthy relationship with their own body and practices body respect and shows themselves grace is hyper-focused on what others look like. People who make these unsolicited comments will then use the excuse that they’re concerned with health. I find it highly ironic that people choose to create an environment that does nothing but contribute stress and toxicity, which is the exact opposite of health. In my opinion, stress is not taken seriously enough as a health risk in society. Long-term activation of the body’s stress response system, and prolonged exposure to cortisol and other stress hormones, can cause health risks such as digestive problems, anxiety, headaches, depression, sleep problems, memory and concentration issues, high blood pressure, and heart disease, and stroke to name just a few health concerns. So yes, constantly directing vitriol at someone, is not actually helping them and would be considered anything but healthy.

Let’s also give this some thought, is someone unhealthy, or are they bringing out deeper insecurities one might have with themselves? Again, no one who has a healthy relationship with their own body is hyper-focused on and is definitely not commenting on what anyone else looks like. No one owes you health and I might add that society's version of health isn't accessible to everyone. Being in good health doesn't equal someone's morality or worth. People deserve respect. Yes, I said what I said. Food shaming, body shaming, weight shaming, and any other type of shaming stem from somewhere. Shaming someone isn’t the same thing as having opinions. This isn’t a conversation of me preferring French vanilla-flavored coffee, and Susan preferring hazelnut. Not all of these comments are intended to hurt someone, and when they come from family, they can, in a way, hurt more. Your mom is on you about your weight because her mom did the same, and that’s all she knows. That’s her way of showing love and care.

It’s a weird and twisted dynamic, but family members can also have a “fear,” whether it stems from diet culture or upbringing, of the very issue that they are projecting. It might be shaming someone for what they look like because they, themselves are afraid of being rejected by society. It might be shaming someone for eating something because they, themselves are afraid of the “consequences” that they’ve been taught. Let’s try to recognize why we have different thoughts towards people. Oftentimes, people are out and about living their life. Let them. It’s no one’s business what’s on someone else’s plate. It’s no one’s business what someone’s body looks like. And I know someone will mention it’s the doctor’s business, but guess what? Shaming happens in the health and medical field all the time as well. We should all be recognizing our own insecurities and not projecting them onto others. 

So we’re at the dinner table and the comments are beginning. What can we do? Aside from working on establishing healthy boundaries, here are some of my favorite responses to some not-so-fun conversations with people we know and love:

1. Politely nod. “I feel good about what I'm eating and it's delicious.”

2. “I actually don't feel comfortable discussing this for personal reasons.”

3. “Yes, I am eating this, and it's my body, so I'll decide how to nourish it.”

4. Change the subject without explanation.

5. “Why exactly are you so concerned with what I'm eating all the time? You seem to comment every single time, not sure why?”

6. “I don't need a narration of what's on my plate. I put it there, so I know.”

7. “Notice how I don't ever comment on what you're eating? It's because A. I don't care and B. I was raised with manners.”

8. Say Nothing

9. “What an interesting thing to say to someone.”

10. “Eat healthier to live longer? In this economy?”

How we should all be eating despite comments.