"Thank you for the unsolicited advice" - No one
“Unsolicited advice-givers tend to be grandiose, believing that they are more intelligent, special, or sensible than others.” - Seth Meyers, Psy.D
“There goes your workout.” These were the four words directed towards me last week inside a deli. It was an afternoon when I got out of work early and had the gift of free time, so I thought I would use that time to visit my dad. My dad is currently in a nursing home due to a stroke he had five years ago, so when I visit him, which of course is never as much as I would like, I always try to bring food that he likes. I think this is a pretty common scenario as food is often used as a way to show and express love, and I also talk quite a bit about how food represents so many different factors. This was one of the reasons I was in a deli in the first place because there is a lemon coconut cake they sell, that my dad loves. I, of course, decided to buy it after my exercise class, in my workout clothes, where a man standing in line behind me decided to tell me that my purchase was ruining my workout.
There are layers upon layers of audacity here. We could talk about the obvious part of this being that food and exercise can coexist. We could also talk about how people are allowed to make their own personal decisions when it comes to food. We could also talk about diet culture constantly labeling certain foods as “unhealthy” and chastising anyone who makes food choices not deemed good enough. But what really always makes me intrigued is when people feel the need to give their unsolicited opinions to people, especially strangers, when they are unwarranted. I posted this online, and folks chimed in with their reasoning behind his actions. “He was definitely flirting.” “He has unresolved diet culture issues.” “He is a jerk.” All of these could be true, I mean, I definitely didn’t turn around to ask, but there are indeed many reasons as to why folks choose to do this.
In an article from Psychology Today, Seth Meyers, Psy.D, a licensed clinical psychologist, offers some insight on the topic. “In terms of their thinking style, unsolicited advice-givers tend to be cognitively rigid.” There is so much truth to this because if we are talking about the health space, especially with food, there is an overwhelming amount of binary thinking. Just look at how we as a society put food into 2 categories of good and bad only. No room for nuance at all or cognitive thinking to realize that food falls into many categories. This proved true in the need to tell me that the slice of cake canceled out my workout, with no regard to my body, needs, or lifestyle. The cake wasn’t even for me, but that’s beside the point. Binary thinking at its finest. None of this is surprising since the human brain has a negativity bias; that is, we attribute more weight to negative experiences and interactions than to positive ones.
It was also during this time that I thought about the younger Shana and her reaction. Unfortunately, some people are always going to have negative commentary, so I personally encourage figuring out how to deal with comments when they happen. Younger me, who was insecure and engrossed in fatphobia and diet culture, would have been embarrassed and felt the need to over-explain the situation to a stranger about how a piece of cake wasn’t for her, it was actually for her father. But now, with all of the inner work and also being a dietitian who constantly discusses diet culture and boundaries, I have more confidence and the knowledge to know that these types of comments mean that the person making them has some inner work to do. I get that there is a sense of feeling powerful and authoritative when giving unsolicited opinions or advice, but in some ways I also feel as though there is a deep insecurity that’s not talked about often.
“Projected feedback is usually expressed in a disparaging way that fully denounces people or actions. When the strength of any criticism is wildly out of proportion, projection is likely the reason. Another sign of projection is an unexplainable or irrational reaction. When a leader or colleague has an exceptionally strong reaction to something you say or do that has no basis or reasonable explanation, they are likely projecting their insecurities onto you.”
So why am I even bringing this up? Because unsolicited comments and opinions are such a common occurrence, I think it’s always helpful to have these discussions to know how to respond. I’m usually all in favor of a really good clapback to inappropriate comments, but my favorite response is sometimes saying nothing while giving a quizzical look, which is what I did in this instance. I just want to be clear that because of the society we live in, none of this is easy. We are constantly made to feel ashamed of our bodies and the food we put in them, so it takes work. Not to mention that shutting down a stranger versus a family member is easier but can be doable.
Here are some of my favorite responses to what you can say if someone is making comments towards what’s on your plate. Some are sassy, some aren’t. Pick your poison:
**Politely nod** “I feel good about what I'm eating, and it's delicious.”
“Notice how I don't ever comment on what you're eating? It's because A. I don't give a shit and B. I was raised with manners.”
“I don't need a narration of what's on my plate. I put it there, so I know.”
“What an interesting thing to say.”
“Why exactly are you so concerned with what I'm eating all the time? You seem to comment every single time, not sure why?”
**Change the subject without explanation**
“Yes, I am eating this, and it's my body, so I'll decide how to nourish it.”
“I actually don't really feel comfortable discussing this for various personal reasons.”
This topic can definitely be written about in length, which I did in my book Live Nourished (shameless plug and preorder here), but this is a general idea. Overall, I notice the trend of unsolicited comments, opinions, and even negging (an act of emotional manipulation whereby a person makes a deliberate backhanded compliment or otherwise flirtatious remark to another person to undermine their confidence and attempt to engender in them a need for the manipulator's approval) when discussing food. It happened to me once, even at Trader Joe’s, with a very friendly employee who was ringing up my purchases and decided to have banter by commenting on each purchase. When he got to a box of cookies, he stated, “Just couldn’t help yourself, huh?” For some reason, I didn’t feel this was intended to be mean-spirited, but I still didn’t respond or laugh as a subtle hint.
It’s obviously up to you how to respond to comments and how to feel when someone makes them. For some of you, these situations aren’t a big deal, and for others, they can be triggering. We’re all individuals with different experiences, but I will always encourage us to think about why we take the actions we do and not encourage broken systems but to change them. And yes, I call continuing to make folks feel insecure by unsolicited commentary a broken system that needs to be normalized. Minding our business should be a piece of cake. And more specifically a piece of lemon coconut cake.
And another reminder that my book Live Nourished: Make Peace with Food, Banish Body Shame, and Reclaim Joy is available for preorder now! If you like (and even love) everything you read in this newsletter, this book will be for you! Preorder here.
So much goodness to soak up in this post. I’ve also hit people with “I’m feeding my soul” as I do a happy dance while they make a negative comment on my food choices. The positivity and joy usually stops them in their tracks
Recently at the end of an appointment, my chiropractor told me I look slimmer and asked me what I was doing for weight loss. I’m a fat person who has been through periods of starving my body because of how much I craved that kind of approval, irrespective of the harm it was causing me. I tried explaining all this but most of the time people think I’m being rude by not just treating a compliment as a compliment. It’s not a compliment, it’s a signal that the only way my body is acceptable is by diminishing myself. And it hurts.